Let's Talk About: Emotional Abuse

It's 3.30am and I can't stop thinking about you.

I remember you saying this to me. It made me feel happy. I think it was the first time, I realised that I really mattered to you.

BUT

I am just glamorising the reality of this. You said this when you were mad at me. I had done something wrong yet again. I was always upsetting you. I would always apologise and accept that I was in the wrong but that is not right. You played with my mind. Made me feel inferior. Weak. Stupid. Sad. Crazy. Alone. I felt so alone.

I haven't blogged in a while but I feel like that was largely because I was stuck in a void. I couldn't escape it. I constantly felt low and I was always reassuring people that "I was okay" but I wasn't. I was far from it. I was fragile. Lost. Alone. Depressed. Insecure. And I still am. I have been debating posting this for months but god I needed to write my feelings down and I know my dear blog friends, that you might understand and realise that emotional abuse is real and it can affect anyone. I know I am not the only person who has experienced (or is experiencing) emotional abuse. It shatters you and I want to break down the stigma surrounding it. It hurts. Maybe it isn't physical but it still breaks you down and makes you feel small, lost, stupid, worthless, nothing. I feel so afraid and worried and anxious and scared of the repercussions of speaking out about this but this is huge issue that needs to be spoken about.

From April - September 2016, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I couldn't see it for myself. My friends tried to warn me and tell me that what he was doing to me was hurting me but I was in denial. Too often it goes unnoticed but it is real and it is a HUGE issue. I am still broken and I am still trying to find myself and who I am because I have been lost for a long time. He smashed me into a million pieces and made me feel like a child again. I lost all sense of myself.

Before him, I was strong-minded, happy, funny, smile-y, kind, understanding and caring. I was learning to love myself and all my flaws. But he changed all aspects of me. I became closed off to my friends. He made me think they were manipulating me. He told me I was stupid, immature, unfair, rude, childish, boring, cruel, manipulative, worthless, nothing and so many more. He constantly called me; a whore, a loner, a child, a loser and the list goes on. I felt like I was nothing. He made me believe him. I felt lost. I was stuck with someone who was manipulating me but I couldn't leave him because I was scared. I am terrified just posting this because what if he sees, what if he messages me threatening me but I need to talk about this because he destroyed who I used to be. I became worthless..

Everyday I remember a memory I have shut out. My first date with him involved me staying the night with him. Definitely a warning sign. But god I didn't see it like that. He tried to sleep with me and I refused, saying I didn't want to rush things and in that moment I was terrified. I didn't know how I ended up in this situation. Luckily, he understood and didn't try to pursue sex but our "relationship" didn't get any better.

He was very sensitive. Practically anything I said to him would upset him and cause him to attack me. Put me down. Make me feel low and isolated. I was always in the wrong. He was always right. I have always been romantic and I would always pretend to my friends that I was okay and this guy wasn't slowly destroying every last piece of me.

He hated it when I went out with friends drinking or going to parties. He was so paranoid that I would sleep around and regularly accused me of this. I was just getting drunk and having fun with my friends but to him, he just pictured me having sex with every guy I met. He slut-shamed me and made me feel so insignificant.

We went to London for a trip together and this was the turning point for me. We were travelling on the tube together and we had discussed we were going to get off in 2 stops time. I began to daydream and he was signalling to me, yet me being me, I couldn't comprehend what he was doing. He got off (a stop earlier) and I didn't realise and I had to run to get off. He spent the entire day calling me stupid and I finally stood up to him. I told him to stop. But to no surprise. He didn't. He continued to put me down and make me feel inferior.

He also used to leave marks up and down my body so people would see that I was "his property." It is disgusting that this happened to me and I feel so disappointed in myself that I let this happen to me. My own mother told me I was a disappointment for not hiding it. I was slut shamed whilst walking around. I felt ashamed of my own body. I felt so lost.

Luckily, I had great friends, who could see I was breaking down and they tried to warn me but god when you're stuck in that situation. It becomes normal. I assumed this was how relationships were meant to be. I was so wrong. He broke me into a million pieces and I am still so vulnerable 5 months on. He destroyed the girl I used to be.

I am slowly working through my vulnerability day by day and I am lucky enough to have wonderful friends and family surrounding me with happiness. My current boyfriend is bloody brilliant and he loves me for me and he supports me constantly, as I support him. Our relationship is based on each others happiness and he makes me so bloody happy. Being with him made me realise, how shit and flawed my previous relationship was. But I know my crippling insecurities are a lot for him to handle sometimes but I never met someone so loving and caring and kind as him. He has been my rock and I couldn't be more grateful to have him in my life, I love you.

I want you, my dear blog friends, to be aware of the signs of emotional abuse so that if you ever find yourself in this situation, you are able to escape it and keep yourself safe:

1. They discourage your dreams and aspirations
2. They regularly criticise you
3. They show you no empathy or understanding if you are struggling
4. Your relationship is constantly in turmoil.
5. You are always the first to be blamed. 

I am also going to include some websites in case you do need to speak to someone. If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional abuse in a relationship, it is important to have support. Some people feel embarrassed to admit they have a problem, but help is essential

• Seek help from your local doctor, or from a relationship or family counselling service.
• https://www.nspcc.org.uk/
• http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/ 
• http://www.samaritans.org/ 

I have spoken about such a very personal thing in this post but hopefully, it will help you be aware that emotional abuse is real and you can escape it. It gets better and I am proof of that.

Let's Talk Feminism : Catcalling/Street Harrassment

I am going to be continuing my "Let's Talk Feminism" with a post today discussing Street Harassment otherwise known as Catcalling. I'm going to be talking about my own personal experiences, the impact of this issue and why this needs to stop.

If you aren't familiar with the term 'street harassment' this is defined as any "unwanted comments, gestures, and actions forced on a stranger in a public place without their consent and is directed at them because of their actual or perceived sex, gender, gender expression or sexual orientation." 

I can remember quite clearly my first experience of cat-calling, I was only 13 and I was walking by myself at night. I was wearing my pe kit as I had been playing football in town and I was walking to meet my mum to get picked up. A car drove past, honked the horn at me and then out the window I had obscenities shouted at me by a 30 year old man.  For a young girl, this was terrifying. I instantly felt uncomfortable and like my entire body had been exposed. It was terrible and I was only 13.

Only a few weeks ago, I was travelling home from my friends house,. I had a 30 minute wait until my train arrived and I ended up sitting on this one platform, where I happened to be the only female there. This was fine and I didn't really care. I then began to receive various offensive comments about my appearance and how I looked "very sexy" from 2 large group of young males who continued to shout derogatory terms at me. I just wanted to go home and I attempted to ignore it as I just didn't want the situation to escalate. However, it continued to get more threatening and uncomfortable. I sat down next to this guy, hoping that he would notice what was happening and help me. He ignored what the young males were saying to me and they just continued. One boy even took a picture of me with his phone (the flash went off) whilst I sat praying the train would arrive soon. Luckily my train arrived and I managed to get a seat in a different carriage to these boys but it was horrible experience.

The fact that NO ONE on the train platform, who could clearly see the harassment I was receiving, did anything about it was infuriating. I had to sit and ignore it (which was almost impossible) whilst I was made to feel scared and insecure. I was left feeling so defeated. I was stuck in this train station that I had not been to before, I didn't know where the official train personnel were (so I could find them to ask for help) and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to stand up for myself and tell them to leave me alone but I was terrified about the potential for this situation to turn very sour.

For me, I have been cat-called before and sadly I am used to it now. I also know that most of my friends have experienced street harassment (we are all 18/under 18) and it is heartbreaking. I feel like I now cannot walk down the streets at night by myself for fear of harassment or even worse. It should not be like this.  I would like to say I am a assertive young woman and typically, if I am in an uncomfortable situation I would vocalize my opinions. Yet in this situation I was speechless. I didn't know what to do and all I did was attempt to ignore the crude and vulgar terms they were throwing my way. I was afraid and I should not be made to feel afraid.

I also understand that it is not just women that cat-calling occurs to. This issue is widespread across all perceived sex, genders, gender expressions or sexual orientation. It is a huge problem and it is causing society to become crude, judgmental and it allows fear to establish itself in many people whom this horrible situation could happen to.

If you haven't already, you should read 'Everyday Sexism by Laura Bates' she created this book in order to show the various forms of sexism in day-to-day life. It is an interesting and heartbreaking read, especially I have experienced many similar things featured in the book. As an 18 year old woman, it infuriates me when people claim street harassment is not an issue. So many people have to deal with it on a daily basis and we need to educate people to prevent this from continuing.

I know for a fact, that the boys who were cat-calling me in that train station were at least 5 years younger than me. They were young. The fact that these young males think it is acceptable to degrade anyone based on their looks or appearance (or sexual orientation/gender expression) is unbelievable.

WE NEED TO EDUCATE YOUNG PEOPLE THAT CAT-CALLING AND STREET HARASSMENT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.

I am going to provide a few statistics (from the Stop Street Harassment website) as I think it's particularly interesting and heartbreaking what the scale of this issue is;

• So in the USA in 2014, 65% of women had experienced street harassment.
• Following a survey of 93000 LGBQT individuals living in the European Union, half (that is around 46500 people) have admitted to avoiding public spaces sometimes because of the street harassment they receive.
• In 2012, Patrick Ryne McNeil surveyed 331 gay and bisexual men from around the world, asking about their experience with street harassment and about 90% said they are often always harassed or made to feel unwelcome in public spaces because of their perceived sexuality.
• In 2002 in Beijing, China, a survey of 200 citizens revealed that 70% had been subject to a form of sexual harassment (58% said it had occurred on a bus).
• In 2004, 64% of women living in Tokyo, Japan, in their 20s/30s said they had been groped while commuting. In 2008 in Tokyo, there was 2000 reported cases of groping alone and this is an under-reported crime. 
• More than 37% of females in the USA have had a stranger masturbate at or in front of them at least once in public.
• 75% females in the USA have reported of being followed by an unknown stranger in public.

The scale and magnitude of this issue is HUGE. I hate that I cannot walk down the street by myself sometimes as I am so scared that something might happen to me. I know I am not alone in this which only makes me realize how flawed society is.

We need to stop street harassment and it all starts with education. I know that the boys in my year at school were never taught to not harass people. But the girls were taught what to do if a male / or anyone harasses you. This is so wrong. Street Harassment is wrong. We must stop it through the increased awareness and education about what Cat-calling is.

My Bucket List

I love lists. I am very rarely organised but when I am. I make lists. I write everything down and attempt to complete all the things I need to do. Since I am usually really busy, making these lists helps alot. My favourite kind of list is a "Bucket List" because I love the concept of being able to make a list of all my aspirations and dreams I wish to achieve before I die. I have alot. There's so much I would love to see/do and I am going to share my Bucket List with you!

1. Pass my A Levels and get into University. This might seem like a pretty simple point but since I am currently being in the middle of these exams it is kinda terrifying and feels like I might never get there but fingers crossed I can do it !

2. Try Bungee Jumping. I remember when I was 9, I was in Austria with my family and we watched this guy bungee jump from the top of the bridge and it was one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. It has been a huge ambition of mine to do this and I guess that guy inspired me.

3. Visit all seven continents (so far i have only visited 2?) I love travelling but I really don't feel like I have seen enough of the world. I am heading to Switzerland and Uganda this summer so I feel like this is a step in the right direction but I really just want to travel and explore this beautiful world we live in.

4. Stargaze with someone I love. 

5. Get a tattoo. I never used to want a tattoo, it was something I always frowned upon (which is stupid really) but I recently decided that I wanted to get one my fave lyrics tattooed onto my ribcage. I was lucky enough to meet Nick from Walk The Moon so he personally wrote the lyrics "The Universe Won't Wait For You" out for me and I really can't wait to get it because the lyrics mean so much to me, I guess just need to be brave now.

6.Write a Book/Publish one of my own stories. I'm pretty sure all of you know about my aspirations to become a writer and if I had my own published book, it would be a dream come true. Hopefully one day this will happen.

7.Travel around / Live in Japan for a year. I just find the Japanese culture so fascinating and beautiful and I would love to spend a year teaching English out there and if I can't do that then I aspire to travel around as much as Japan as I can.

8. See Tom Odell perform live. I am a HUGE Tom Odell fan and I still haven't seen him live ? so I am determined to see him perform live before I die and he's touring the UK in autumn this year so hopefully i will be able to see him live.

9. Trek the Inca Trail/Visit Machu Picchu. So if you didn't know this is a 4-5 day hike in the Andes Mountain Range which leads to Machu Picchu. I have always dreamed of visiting this beautiful place and I have always loved hiking and it would be so incredible to complete this.

10. Visit San Francisco. I have never been to America and San Francisco has always intrigued me. When I finally head to America, it will be the first place I visit.

11. Fall In Love. This is such a cliche point but I have never experienced love and I would like to share this magical feeling with someone.

12. Have a pen pal. This is already in the process of no longer being part of my bucketlist as myself and my friend have started writing to one another but previously this was something I always wanted to do yet I never had anyone to write to.

13. Attend a Masquerade Ball. As much as I like to pretend I am not into this kinda thing, it has always been a childhood dream of mine to attend one of these and in December this year, I am finally attending one!

14. Go to Budapest. I have always wanted to visit this beautiful city and the architecture is so unique and magical. It would be a dream to visit.

15. Change someone's life for the better. This summer, I will be travelling to Uganda and hopefully I will be able to have a positive impact and change someone's life.  I feel like this is such a important factor and being able to know I have helped someone and made their life better would be magical.

I have so many other sections to my bucket list and I might make a part 2 of this if people request it. I guess Bucket Lists allow you to write down all the things you want to do, but sometimes instead of writing stuff down it is better to go out and live.

Songs About Red - Book Review

Rating: 5/5

I am a cynic when it comes to love. I hate romance novels. I cannot stand them. I hate the soppy idealized concept of love within them. Love isnt perfect. Love is too often manifested to be this "magical feeling" shown through loud words and big gestures. To me, it is the little things that make you fall in love and that is exactly what this book is about.

The tagline for this book explains how the characters "prove how loud unspoken love can be and how the quiet ones can be the bravest". I cannot praise this book enough and it is so frustrating how unknown Songs About Red is because it deserves so much more recognition. So if you take anything from this review, please go and buy this book because it is such a beautiful and heartfelt novel about first love.

Songs About Red follows Kyle and Amber, who are quiet and pretty average 17 year olds. Kyle is a musician; he plays guitar and he sneaks out most evenings to play gigs in the bar downtown. Amber is the quiet red-head who loves to write. They meet by chance of fate at a diner and their relationship blossoms as they write songs together.

I adored the writing in this book and some of the lines are perfectly crafted. I am going to quote my favourite lines from the book which is an extract from a poem Amber has written, it is just so beautiful and I just had to share it!

STARS
You said,
"You are not doomed to a star
Not when there are brighter stars
In other galaxies."

And I believed but I knew
I was doomed to you because
You weren't just a star
You are a galaxy.

I loved the characters of Kyle and Amber. I felt so emotionally involved within their lives. For me, very few writers are able to make me feel so connected to the characters yet when I first read it I just wanted both of them to be happy. Their entire relationship is so beautifully crafted and it was nice to see a fictional relationship looking into how they first met and the growth there was over the years within their relationship. Even though they are 17, this book is not restricted to young adult fiction. It just tells the tale behind first love and finding yourself in a cruel and difficult world.

I will confess I hated the idea of romance until I came across this book. It completely changed my view of romance books - mainly because it tells such a deeper story which also discusses important factors in life and the concept of change. This is possibly one of my favourite books and I have been wanting to write about it for a while but after re-reading it. I feel even more contempt in the fact I love this book to pieces.

PLEASE READ THIS BOOK, YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT AND IT WILL MAKE YOUR HEART MELT BECAUSE OF THE BEAUTIFUL PASSAGES OF WRITING AND ADORABLE SCENES OF 'FIRST LOVE'.

Change

I have been thinking alot about change recently since in the next couple of months, alot of change will be happening. I will be travelling to places I have never been to before, moving out of my childhood home, going to university... and in all honestly I am both terrified and excited for these changes. I have been staying in Wales for the last couple of days at a cottage which I have visiting since I was a baby and it made me really think about how much I have changed over the years.

I love visiting this beautiful area of the UK (the Snowdonian mountains are magical) and staying in a 18th century cottage is pretty incredible in itself. I have so many amazing memories connected with the place and all weekend, I couldnt stop thinking about how much I have changed and grown since I was a young girl. In a way, this beautiful cottage has become a symbol of change for me.

I always joke about how I am connected by blood to the place. When I was only 6 months old, I climbed on a table and it fell on me. I ended up badly cutting my right cheek and I now have a large scar because of this. In a weird way, it is like a constant reminder of this cottage and all the happy memories I have had as a child there.

I would spend most of my school breaks in Wales and I loved it. My sister and me would share a room and I would annoy her because I took too much of the duvet. I remember one time, me and my sister were at the beach. We just sat and watched the sunset together (which if you didnt know I LOVE sunsets) and it was magical. I also have a really clear memory from Christmas one year which we spent there. I was around 7 years old and my sister was 13. We were opening presents and I was given a teddy bear, which my grandpa had made me and I fell in love with it. I loved this bear with whole heart and I still have it to this day (he sits on my bookshelves). It is such a precious memory and I have grown so much since then but this bear still means the world to me. 

About 5 years ago my entire family (on my mothers side) headed to Wales together. It was so much fun and every night we were up till 1am talking, laughing, telling stupid stories and playing cards. Looking back, it was an amazing and happy week for all of us. Now, my family barely talk and we are nowhere near as close as we were then. Sadly my family's relationship with one another has deteriorated following the deaths of both my grandparents and I know for a fact that they would be very disappointed in the state of family affairs right now. It sucks and I miss how things used to be but things change. I guess what I am trying to say is change isn't always great and it is kinda heartbreaking looking back and realizing how different things are but sometimes change is inevitable and you can't stop it even if you really really want to. 

I could go on for hours telling you funny stories and lovely memories I have about the place yet that's not really want I want to talk about. I want to talk about my growth as a person. I think it's acceptable to refer to myself as the weird kid. I was always nervous, awkward, scared and naive (and that's only naming a few) when I was younger. I was an annoying, moody teenager who struggled alot since I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be. I hated school, the world and annoying boys. I would cry alot and I felt like I couldn't be myself. Yet whenever I went to Wales and stayed there, I felt at home and safe. 

Change isn't always bad though. I have changed so much since then. I am now so much happier and I am happy with who I am. I am still terrified about the world and I'm still pretty awkward yet I know who I am and who I want to be. The changes in my life since I was a little girl visiting Wales have been pretty significant but I guess now I am so much stronger than I used to be. 

Change is scary. Terrifying. Unavoidable. A jump into the void. Yet it is also amazing to move forward, grow up and develop because of these changes. I feel like you need to experience change, whether it is good or bad, to grow and develop as a person. Sometimes it can really hurt and I completely understand what that feels like but change is usually something that will allow you to move forward. Grow, flourish and just become something better.

Let's Talk Feminism : Why Am I A Feminist?

I have spent a while rewriting and editing this post and in all honestly, I have never struggled like this when I have been writing before. I guess it is probably due to the many thoughts I have about this issue. It is something that impacts my life everyday and it is such a controversial topic right now but many of you requested I discuss it on here.

I thought I would create a series of blog posts called "Let's Talk Feminism" and I will be addressing a different issue each month, which will include; cat-calling, sexual objectification, rape culture, the media's impact and the beauty myth, the gender pay gap, domestic violence, FGM and the gender inequality in developing countries.

Today, I am going to be talking about feminism and why I am a feminist.

I understand that due to my background I may just sound like a "white feminist" and in a sense, yes I am. But I understand that there are many other issues facing women of other ethnicities and from different countries to me. I want equality for all. I would like to call myself a inter-sectional feminist as I understand that many men/women struggle with racism, homophobia (and many other issues) as well as sexism and it is almost impossible to separate these issues. I want equality.

So why am I a feminist?

1. Because men and women should be treated equally.
2. Because the "Beauty Myth" still exists and growing up, myself and many other young girls were under constant pressure from the media to look "pretty" which just establishes low self-esteem and insecurity within young girls.
3. Because 1 in 3 women will be sexually assaulted at some point during their lifetime, usually by someone they know personally.
4. Because when a victim of sexual abuse or assault speaks to authorities they will be asked "what were you wearing?"
5. Because women should be paid fairly and equally for the same work their counterparts do instead of being paid less as they aren't men.
6. Because Rape Culture still exists.
7. Because my gender should not affect whether I will get a job or not.
8. Because I cannot walk down a street alone at night without feeling afraid or being cat-called.
9.  Because Female Genital Mutilation is still happening today and 125 million women living in Africa or the Middle East will have suffered this horrific act. 
10. Because many women are deprived of an education. This was highlighted in April 2014 when 276 Nigerian schoolgirls were kidnapped by an Islamist terrorist group due to the fact they were gaining an education. Girls represent nearly 60% of children that are not in school.
11. Because so many girls in developing countries cannot afford to look after their sanitary health. So many women drop out of school as they cannot afford to have sanitary towels so they have to use leaves. 
12. Because Rape is continuously used as a weapon against women especially through war and genocide. 
13. Because one of the few ways to avoid male attention is to say "I have a boyfriend."
14. Because "Like A Girl" is still an insult and it is not fair that men are made to withhold their emotions as it is not seen as a "masculine" thing if a man cries.
15. Because men suffer from mental health issues and they are often made to withold their emotions. Nearly 4 in 5 suicides (78%) are by men and is the biggest cause of death for men under 35.
16. Because my sexuality ( whether I am a virgin or I have had sex) defines me when it should not. We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the same way boys are.  
17. Because gender bias concepts should not control our society, in the same way it currently does.
18. Because domestic violence is so prominent within society and many people still think it is acceptable. 

I wish for a world in which my gender will not affect my life choices. I wish for a world in which men and women are treated equally. I wish for a world in which gender bias concepts don't control us. I want change. I want a better world where we can live without the gender discrimination that affects and controls all of us.

Things I Love

I have alot of favourite things. I am a hoarder of feelings and emotions. I always find myself falling in love with random things that would normally never be acknowledged. I am going to try to talk through some of these since you always seem to like the posts when I talk about the things I love.

If you didn't already know, one of my favourite things to do is write. It is one of the main reasons I started this blog. I love it because it allows me to express myself. I love the feeling I get when I hold a pen in my hand and just write down all my feelings and emotions. I let myself go when I am writing and it is so freeing.

I love train journeys. I live in the middle of nowhere and I have alot of friends that live quite far away from me, so I catch trains alot to visit them. It is one of my favourite things to do as I just listen to my iPod and look out of the window on the world passing by.

I love train stations, I love the crazy busy atmosphere and when you have a spare moment whilst waiting for your next train or your friend it is amazing to just sit and people watch. Watch the people rushing and walking and getting lost and it's amazing to see so many different people all in one place.

I am terrible at photography but one of my favourite things to do is take photos with disposable cameras. I am not someone that likes taking artsy photos. I just love the uncertainty of what I have taken, since I have the worst memory. I love the excitement I feel whilst I wait for my photos to be developed. The ability they have to capture a moment of happiness or joy or sadness, is just magical. I take my disposable camera with me - everywhere - because you never know when a moment could become something beautiful.

I am a lover of books. I am a hoarder and a collector. I feel like you can never own too many and it is reflected in the state of my room. There are piles of books all over my room  since they no longer fit in my bookshelves. I love hardbacks and I love paperbacks. I love old and delicate leatherbound books. I love poetry. I love reading the words and feeling the power behind them.

I love stargazing. I was never a professional or anything but I would always sneak out of my house when I was younger, walk up the hill beside my house taking a flask of hot chocolate with me and look up at the stars. I loved looking at the stars and knowing I wasn't so alone. I love the idea of infinity, even though it is kinda terrifying. I love the idea that the world we are a part of has thousands of possibilities that are never ending.

I love gigs. I love going to small venues. I love seeing my favourite bands perform live. I love singing and dancing badly. I love moshing. I love the feeling you get when you sing the lyrics and everyone sings along. I love losing myself in the music. I love that feeling after the gig when you leave and you can't really believe how magical it was to be a part of something like that.

I love my family and my friends. I love all the old photos that are stuck around my room that remind me that I am surrounded by amazing people who love me for me. I love people that will love and care for me despite all the stupid mistakes I have made in the past, the people that understand me and laugh at my terrible jokes.

I know that it is quite easy to dawn on the negative stuff. It is so easy to let in consume you and take over your life but you can very easily look up and realise that there is alot of stuff to love out there. There is alot of magical and beautiful stuff in the world that is so underrated. Appreciate it. Love it.