It's 3.30am and I can't stop thinking about you.
I remember you saying this to me. It made me feel happy. I think it was the first time, I realised that I really mattered to you.
BUT
I am just glamorising the reality of this. You said this when you were mad at me. I had done something wrong yet again. I was always upsetting you. I would always apologise and accept that I was in the wrong but that is not right. You played with my mind. Made me feel inferior. Weak. Stupid. Sad. Crazy. Alone. I felt so alone.
I haven't blogged in a while but I feel like that was largely because I was stuck in a void. I couldn't escape it. I constantly felt low and I was always reassuring people that "I was okay" but I wasn't. I was far from it. I was fragile. Lost. Alone. Depressed. Insecure. And I still am. I have been debating posting this for months but god I needed to write my feelings down and I know my dear blog friends, that you might understand and realise that emotional abuse is real and it can affect anyone. I know I am not the only person who has experienced (or is experiencing) emotional abuse. It shatters you and I want to break down the stigma surrounding it. It hurts. Maybe it isn't physical but it still breaks you down and makes you feel small, lost, stupid, worthless, nothing. I feel so afraid and worried and anxious and scared of the repercussions of speaking out about this but this is huge issue that needs to be spoken about.
From April - September 2016, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I couldn't see it for myself. My friends tried to warn me and tell me that what he was doing to me was hurting me but I was in denial. Too often it goes unnoticed but it is real and it is a HUGE issue. I am still broken and I am still trying to find myself and who I am because I have been lost for a long time. He smashed me into a million pieces and made me feel like a child again. I lost all sense of myself.
Before him, I was strong-minded, happy, funny, smile-y, kind, understanding and caring. I was learning to love myself and all my flaws. But he changed all aspects of me. I became closed off to my friends. He made me think they were manipulating me. He told me I was stupid, immature, unfair, rude, childish, boring, cruel, manipulative, worthless, nothing and so many more. He constantly called me; a whore, a loner, a child, a loser and the list goes on. I felt like I was nothing. He made me believe him. I felt lost. I was stuck with someone who was manipulating me but I couldn't leave him because I was scared. I am terrified just posting this because what if he sees, what if he messages me threatening me but I need to talk about this because he destroyed who I used to be. I became worthless..
Everyday I remember a memory I have shut out. My first date with him involved me staying the night with him. Definitely a warning sign. But god I didn't see it like that. He tried to sleep with me and I refused, saying I didn't want to rush things and in that moment I was terrified. I didn't know how I ended up in this situation. Luckily, he understood and didn't try to pursue sex but our "relationship" didn't get any better.
He was very sensitive. Practically anything I said to him would upset him and cause him to attack me. Put me down. Make me feel low and isolated. I was always in the wrong. He was always right. I have always been romantic and I would always pretend to my friends that I was okay and this guy wasn't slowly destroying every last piece of me.
He hated it when I went out with friends drinking or going to parties. He was so paranoid that I would sleep around and regularly accused me of this. I was just getting drunk and having fun with my friends but to him, he just pictured me having sex with every guy I met. He slut-shamed me and made me feel so insignificant.
We went to London for a trip together and this was the turning point for me. We were travelling on the tube together and we had discussed we were going to get off in 2 stops time. I began to daydream and he was signalling to me, yet me being me, I couldn't comprehend what he was doing. He got off (a stop earlier) and I didn't realise and I had to run to get off. He spent the entire day calling me stupid and I finally stood up to him. I told him to stop. But to no surprise. He didn't. He continued to put me down and make me feel inferior.
He also used to leave marks up and down my body so people would see that I was "his property." It is disgusting that this happened to me and I feel so disappointed in myself that I let this happen to me. My own mother told me I was a disappointment for not hiding it. I was slut shamed whilst walking around. I felt ashamed of my own body. I felt so lost.
Luckily, I had great friends, who could see I was breaking down and they tried to warn me but god when you're stuck in that situation. It becomes normal. I assumed this was how relationships were meant to be. I was so wrong. He broke me into a million pieces and I am still so vulnerable 5 months on. He destroyed the girl I used to be.
I am slowly working through my vulnerability day by day and I am lucky enough to have wonderful friends and family surrounding me with happiness. My current boyfriend is bloody brilliant and he loves me for me and he supports me constantly, as I support him. Our relationship is based on each others happiness and he makes me so bloody happy. Being with him made me realise, how shit and flawed my previous relationship was. But I know my crippling insecurities are a lot for him to handle sometimes but I never met someone so loving and caring and kind as him. He has been my rock and I couldn't be more grateful to have him in my life, I love you.
I want you, my dear blog friends, to be aware of the signs of emotional abuse so that if you ever find yourself in this situation, you are able to escape it and keep yourself safe:
- They discourage your dreams and aspirations
- They regularly criticise you
- They show you no empathy or understanding if you are struggling
- Your relationship is constantly in turmoil.
- You are always the first to be blamed.
I am also going to include some websites in case you do need to speak to someone. If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional abuse in a relationship, it is important to have support. Some people feel embarrassed to admit they have a problem, but help is essential
- Seek help from your local doctor, or from a relationship or family counselling service.
I have spoken about such a very personal thing in this post but hopefully, it will help you be aware that emotional abuse is real and you can escape it. It gets better and I am proof of that.
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